Killjoy

But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad
 - Smokey Robinson

There was a survey conducted recently where kids were asked how they feel about clowns. 100% of the children surveyed (yes, all) said they hated clowns. That goes to show that kids are smart. Still grown-ups continue to mark up their faces with greasepaint in an effort to entertain the little tykes. They also make stupid horror movies about killer clowns even though the concept is tired and dated. This goes to show that adults are dumb.

The killer clown genre is done and it was over way before this movie came out in 2000, but no one told the filmmakers that so we're stuck with this stinky turkey. Killjoy begins with nice guy Michael asking pretty girl Jada to the school dance. But her jealous boyfriend Lorenzo and his two thug homies squash his hopes for romance by beating the crap out of him. Cut to Michael's room where he is intoning the spirit of "Killjoy" while holding what looks to be a doll. The thugs come to his house, trick him into going out with him, accidentally shoot him and that seems to be it. Until a year later when "Killjoy" appears to take out his vengeance on the wrong-doers.

Wow. Just wow. This is one pure piece of trash film. Let's start with the plot. There is none. There, we're done with the plot. Now let's talk about the acting. Nonexistent. Well, except for maybe Michael (Jamal Grimes) and Lorenzo (William L. Johnson) who are merely passable. But really, even Meryl Streep couldn't have given a good performance with the dialogue that consists mainly of "Damn" and "girrrlll." I'll give the filmmakers credit for using an all-black cast. That's something that's sadly lacking in horror movies, but the writing does the actors a huge disservice.

And let's talk about the clown, the aptly-named Killjoy, who is I guess a demon? Or is he Michael? Or was he created by Michael? Or was he the doll? We never find out and we never care since every time he's on screen you're just longing for the moment he's off again. He pops up a year later (after I guess doing nothing but practicing his stand-up routine) to seek vengeance on Lorenzo and his gang but then he decides to kill the not-so-bad guys too. He kills people by whisking them away through his ice cream truck to another dimension that looks just like this one and serves no real purpose at all. You're a clown and your "other world" is a warehouse that has nothing to do with your story of vengeance. Why would a warehouse be scary?

Ugh, and then there's Killjoy's "one-liners" like "I'm your worst nightmare" and "It's never over!" Heck, all the script needed was to have someone say "Come with me if you want to live" and the trifecta of cliché would be complete. All of Killjoy's "jokes" are followed with a hideous cackle that's so obnoxious you want to punch the dude's big red nose in. Okay, there is one redeeming factor in all this mess, Killjoy's make-up is actually pretty darn good, even if the rest of the special effects suck lemonade. The make-up moves well with the actor's face and allows for some interesting facial expressions and the teeth are yellow, pointy and gnarly. If the writing and directing (and acting) were up to par, this could have been an okay movie, if not a great one. But as it is, it's awful.

There are a ton of things I just don't have time to go into, like the old man who appears, attempts to explain Killjoy and then disappears, then appears in the end after Killjoy is killed, just to disappear (again). Or the cheesy romantic subplot involving Jada sleeping with some dude who came over for a study date. Or the fact that the three remaining characters know all about black magic in the end and know how to form inner circles and not to break the circle even though Michael was the one who was into the demonic stuff, not them. Then there's the unnecessary dream sequences and the "oh no, it's not really over!" ending. I could go into all of that but I really don't want to delve too deep into this pool of mud. So let's just say that Killjoy will kill any joy you have for the killer clown genre. You have been warned.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

• The expressions of our "heroes" when they see things like the undead killer clown screaming for their blood or the all-knowing hobo dissipating into thin air. It's quite similar to the look one might have after misplacing a mix tape or losing their favorite comb.
• The least sexiest kiss in movie history and Killjoy's response.
• The "blinding" of Baby-Boy by Killjoy where he is clearly pushing his thumbs into the actor's forehead.
  
• The animated blood spatters on Lorenzo when Killjoy shoots at him with bullets. Seriously? They couldn't even rig a decent squib?

Fun Facts Kids!

• Followed by two sequels.
• Arthur Burghardt, who plays the all-seeing, all-knowing hobo, got his start playing a doctor on One Life to Live. 
•  The budget for the film was $150,000.
• Angel Vargas (Killjoy) played Tito in a made for TV movie about the Jackson family.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Return of the Living Dead

I know you think I'm nasty
But I am no common girl
I once slept with the devil, it was really no big thrill
 - SSQ

Here's a good "what-if" question. What if Night of the Living Dead wasn't just a movie but a real occurrence and it was the subject of an intricate government cover-up? And what would happen if there was a little issue that caused it to happen all over again? And....more importantly, what if it happened during the New Wave era of the Eighties?

You'd get Return of the Living Dead, that's what. Along with a whole bunch of awesome.

Return of the Living Dead starts with normal guy Freddy (Thom Mathews) on his first day at a new job in a medical supply warehouse which comes complete with naked dead bodies, split dogs and the usual sort of things you'd find in a medical supply warehouse (well "usual" according to this movie.)  Freddy's sweet girlfriend and his friends, made up of Eighties punk-looking riff-raff, decide to wait/party in an old cemetery until Freddy's shift ends. But Freddy's "shift" certainly hits the fan when he unwittingly opens up one a can containing a zombie from the great "Night of the Living Dead cover-up" and unleashes a toxin so potent, the dead start coming to life in droves.

Needless to say, panic ensues. The gang gets attacked. And it...is.... wonderful.

The movie is a lot of fun and the cast is certainly game, hamming it up like there's no tomorrow and having a good time while doing it. The varied list of actors include everyone from perennial b-movie favorite Linnea Quigley, to old veterans like James Karen and Clu Gulager. There really isn't a rotten apple in the bunch as the cast breezes through the cheese with ease, saying their lines with a wink and a smile as if to remind us of how silly this all is. It definitely highlights how droll the horror movies of today can be where the actors take themselves soooo seriously that they're absolutely no fun to watch. They could certainly learn a thing or two from this group.

Okay, it isn't a perfect movie. Those looking for true terror aren't going to find it here and the movie isn't particularly scary, nor is it trying to be. The gang simply exists as 'meat for the beast' so to speak and everything, including the WTF ending is way over the top. But there are some genuinely creepy moments that show a true love of the genre, my favorite being the captured zombie (half a rotting woman) who tells the heroes she eats brains because it "stops the pain of being dead." Thanks half-lady rotting zombie, now we know! And there's other pretty imaginative-looking zombies like everyone's favorite dripping monster, the Tar Man. Imagine a gooey, oozing Tales From the Crypt creature coming to life and you've got yourself a Tar Man. And if you haven't ever seen the movie or it's been awhile you need to watch it just for him.

Return of the Living Dead epitomizes everything that's great about '80s horror and and it's fun to go back and see what horror movies were like when they were being purposefully cheesy. So if you're craving something with no flashbacks, CW stars or the dreadful blue filter tint, watch Return of the Living Dead and inhale a bunch of that lovely green Trioxin.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

• Trash dancing naked on top of the mausoleum to SSQ while everyone below dances around wildly with torches. 
• The interrogation of the rotting half-zombie complete with twitching spine (and spinal fluid.)
• Send. More. Paramedics!
• Freddy and Ernie slowly "dying" while screaming and writhing on the floor of the warehouse.

Fun Facts Kids!

• Some of the extras were paid a small stipend if they were willing to eat real cow brains.
• The producers balked at Linnea being completely naked so the filmmakers created a "barbie doll merkin" to cover up her nether regions during nude scenes.
• John Russo, a writer from the original Night of the Living Dead, also helped to write this film.
•  The glass window that cracks on top of the chemical drum as the stored zombie dissolves was actually a "happy accident" that occurred because of the high heat used to melt the wax face.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Alice Sweet Alice

Now I know it's true
Naughty girls need love too
 - Samantha Fox

Either this one was in the public domain when I was a kid or it was cheap for the UHF channels because this movie frequently made the rounds in the afternoon or late night movie on the smaller stations. I don't think I've seen this since I was 12 years old and it's amazing how much of it stays with you. But that nostalgia came a touch of sadness when I realized how much better this movie could have been.

Pouty-faced Alice (Paula Sheppard) is jealous of her prettier sister Karen (Brooke Shields) and takes great delight in tormenting the poor girl, much to the chagrin of their single Mom. But those issues reach a boiling point during Karen's First Communion when a brutal murder sets into play a series of killings that rock the entire family. But who is the murderer behind the make-up mask and yellow raincoat? Is it Alice? Or someone else?

I had said this movie stays with you and it's true. I remembered a lot of scenes from my numerous viewings as a child. The creepy obese man who lives downstairs with 30 cats, the mask that looks something like Marilyn Monroe and is just opaque enough to cover someone's features, but translucent enough to show a little something underneath. And there's the yellow slicker, worn by the killer which everyone in the town seems to wear, even on the sunniest of days. There's some beautiful imagery in there, really reminiscent of Don't Look Now, a film which Alice's director Alfred Sole admits he took a lot from. That, combined with a nice haunting soundtrack, gives the film a really creepy feel. But by far, the scariest thing about this particular movie is the title character, Alice.

There's something almost perverse about watching Alice. Whether she's terrorizing her sister with a scary mask, or seductively licking icing off her finger while calling the 400lb landlord a "fat bastard", you almost feel like you're watching something you shouldn't. Even at such a young age, Alice is something akin to damaged goods, and you can just tell by looking at her, that she ain't never gonna be right.

The movie works well when it concentrates all of its attention on Alice, partly because the actress's performance is so compelling and partly because the inherent creepiness of the character. But halfway through the film, we learn the secret behind all of the murders, a secret that's not as interesting or horrifying as it should be. It's then that the focus turns to other characters who just aren't nearly as interesting as Alice. This is a bit of a shame because the movie had so much going for it in the main character that, had she remained the main focus, it could have been an instant classic. As it is though, it's a good trip to nostalgia land. Still scary, just not as scary as you remember.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

• Karen chasing Alice into a old building to retrieve her doll and Alice frightening her with masks.
• Alice attempting to take Karen's place at the Communion altar. 
• Alice taking cake to Mr. Alphonso. In fact, any scene with Mr. Alphonso.
• The very end of the movie where you see Alice's face and you know there's no good ending for her there.

Fun Facts Kids!

• Brooke Shield's first acting role.
• Paula Sheppard was actually 19 years old (19!) when she played  the prepubescent Alice.
• The original title of the movie was Communion but it was changed to Alice Sweet Alice because Communion sounded "too religious."
• Alphonso DeNoble (Mr. Alphonso) used to dress as a Priest and hang out at cemeteries saying prayers at graves for donations in addition to his other job as a bouncer at a gay bar.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!