Friday the 13th - Jason Goes to Hell

In the afterlife
You could be headed for the serious strife
Now you make the scene all day
But tomorrow there'll be Hell to pay
 - Squirrel Nut Zippers

Before I started this experiment, I started a thread in the Horror section of IMDB and asked F13 fans which was their favorite of the series and which was the least favorite. Nearly all the responders said that Jason Goes to Hell was definitely the worst of the series.

Now I finally watched it and I see what they mean.

It's not that it's badly acted, there are certainly some Friday movies that were far worse in that department. It's not that the production values were terrible. It beats the production in Jason Takes Manhattan by a country mile. So what was wrong? The reason why this movie seemed to piss so many people off was that fact that it is NOT a Friday the 13th movie. I don't know what it is, but of this I am sure. This is NOT a F13 film.

This time we start out with a woman (actually an FBI agent) luring out Jason by getting all nekkid and stuff. He follows her out into a clearing in the woods where he is immediately shot to death by waiting snipers. During Jason's autopsy, his "evil" or something takes over the coroner who eats Jason's heart (did Jason have one?) turning the man effectively into Jason. And now Jason must travel from host to host to find his sister (Erin Gray of Buck Rogers fame) and remaining relatives because they're the only ones who can kill him. And he also has to find them because it's his sister's daughter's baby who has the power to make Jason whole again. Oh but there is also a mystical magical dagger that must be used to kill him. Oh and then....

Sound confusing? Oh, but I haven't even gotten into how Jason's evil travels through slug type thing, the crazy bounty hunter in search of Jason (even though everybody saw Jason get shot up real good), the dweebie guy who is the biological father of the Jason's sister's daughter's baby and how he kidnaps his baby in order to protect it after he breaks out of jail because they think he killed Jason's sister and then...

Yeah, I'm going to stop now. It just goes on like this.

This is a movie where there is a lot of stuff happening and yet nothing really happens at all. It's almost like the writers (who proclaim to be F13 fans) had never seen a Jason movie and just came up with a plot right out of other horror movies. Jason has a sister like Michael Myers has a sister. Jason needs to be reborn like Chucky (or even Freddy). Jason disrobes an old fat guy, ties him up and shaves his mustache like...

Wait. WHAT?

Yes, in one scene the coroner/Jason decides it's time for a new host. So he kidnaps a cop, ties him up naked (in front of a romantic roaring fire no less) and gently shaves off the man's mustache, using a strap razor and shaving cream(!) in order to transfer Jason's soul orally in the man. My thought was....well...JASON WOULDN'T DO THIS! ON WHAT PLANET WOULD JASON DO THIS? WTF? Okay, rant over but seriously? Jason was never sexual. Let's be honest, he hates sex of all kinds, so that kink stuff is way out there. But that's far from being the film's only problem. Let's talk about the "hosts" for example. None and I mean none of the people that Jason jumps into act like Jason at all. There's no movement, no action, no inkling that what they are is anything other than a person acting crazy and doing bad things. Heck, none of them even had a solid Jason walk.

Oh but the movie annoys on so many other levels too. The whole sister thing is unbelievable, unnecessary and stupid. The "hosts" don't have any purpose. The bounty hunter scenario is useless. And someone should have told the music composer that incidental music should only be used incidentally. Here it's used in every scene for no apparent reason. Imagine if your 5 year old cousin got a hold of a Casio keyboard and decided to pound the heck out of it at 5 second intervals. He could have composed the score of this movie.

So they tried to do something new. That can work sometimes, I'm all of a change-up. But when you do something new, you can't disregard everything that made the old great. So congrats JGTH, you have earned your special place in Hell as the worst F13 ever made. Now let's never speak of this again.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

• Jason's death by firing range and the agents' "whoo hoo!" reaction afterwards.
• The shaving scene. Seriously. What the hell was that all about?
• Jason finally being dragged to hell at the end in the most ill-named F13 since "Jason Takes Manhattan."
• The very end scene when Freddy's claw comes out to drag Jason's mask into the ground. Okay I have to admit. That was kind of clever.

Fun Facts Kids!

• Look for Kane Hodder as the security guard in the beginning who calls Jason a "pussy."
• The two actors that played the doomed sex-having campers were ex-boyfriend and girlfriend in real life. They had actually split up a few months prior to shooting and neither one knew the other was going to be in the movie.
• Many of the props were taken from other (better) horror movies, including the Necronomicon from Evil Dead, a jungle gym from The Birds, and a crate from Creepshow.
• John D. LeMay (Stephen Freeman) also starred in Friday the 13th: The Series which had nothing to do with the movies.
• O.J. Simpson was originally considered for the role of Creighton Duke.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - Jason Takes Manhattan

What a mess, this town's in tatters
I've been shattered
My brain's been battered
Splattered all over...Manhattan
 - Rolling Stones

Well, I can start off by stating that this was a good concept at least, however ill-conceived and poorly executed it was, it was a good concept. However, the movie is so botched up there's no way it could work. Heck, the Muppets Take Manhattan was more terrifying than this. Needless to say, I'm not a fan of this one and I don't think many people are.

The movie starts with two "teens" sexing it up on a boat. But oops, a lose electrical wire or something falls into the water and hits their magic boat anchor of revitalization. Needless to say, this somehow brings Jason back to life and he's quick to slaughter them both. But at least the kids conveniently left a hockey mask for Jason to put on, which was quite nice of them I think. Then we meet our "real" victims. We have the pretty, boring, bland Rennie who despite her fear of water is taking a cruise to New York with Sean, her equally bland and boring boyfriend and her dog for some strange reason. Also aboard the ship we have a bunch of stereotypes...er...classmates, her somewhat despicable uncle, and of course, Jason who is apparently bored with Camp Blood and is now ready to terrorize uncharted territory.

The title is brilliant. The idea of Jason hitting the Big Apple is a good one. So where did it all go wrong?

Well, first of all this movie really should have been titled "Jason Takes a Leisurely Cruise" as the majority of the movie takes place on the ship. We don't even get to New York until the third act of the movie and by then most of the cast is dead.  But even without the New York backdrop, the movie just bombs on every level imaginable. Rennie our Final Girl is without a doubt, one of the most BORING girls in F13 history. Whether she's watching someone be brutally murdered, getting rushed at by toxic waste, suffering a near-rape by heroin addicts or seeing visions of Jason as a little boy, her expression never changes. How to describe it? Swallow five Valium, wash them down with a whiskey chaser, then look in the mirror and try to make a frowny face. Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Oh, and about those visions. On the ship, Rennie starts having wide-awake dreams of a kid drowning, or swimming I guess, since the kid doesn't look to be in any sort of distress. The problem is, those images are completely useless. There's something about Rennie's wicked uncle nearly drowning her while teaching her to swim and Jason as a boy attacking her but what does it all mean? The answer is absolutely nothing. But what's really perplexing is how the kid in the visions appears to be constantly changing. He looks like a normal kid at first, then a couple of times the right side of his face is screwed up and one time he actually looks like a different kid actor altogether. Did the filmmakers not see the first movie? This one doesn't even resemble a mongoloid. He's just some kid.

And what about adult Jason? Well to be honest, Kane tries, but even all of his head-cocking, chest-heaving bad-assery doesn't help. With the cheap plastic mask and lame special effects, this Jason actually appears quite tame compared to the Jason of old. Nothing really looks real so the deaths are of no import. And when we finally see Jason with his mask off at the very end, well, let's just say you could buy a cheap Halloween mask and come up with a scarier looking creature.

Some of the scenes in New York (when they get to New York) are a lot of fun. In one scene Rennie and Sean run into a diner screaming "There's a maniac trying to kill us!" "Welcome to New York," a bored waitress replies. And Jason in Times Square is something to behold, especially when he shows a few punks whose boss by removing his mask and showing them his face. It's one of the funniest moments in the F13 series and is a sad reminder of how well this movie could have worked if they had only tried.

So...the majority of the movie takes place on the ship. The kids are boring as all hell. The special effects are terrible and the action is non-existent. Now, from what I understand they had to cut down on the amount of New York in the movie. The original script actually had most of the action taking place in the big city but the movie was rewritten after they realized they just didn't have the budget. To a good writer this would have been no problem. Just knock off some of the landmarks, dress up Canada (where the majority of this was obviously filmed) with a few dingy streets and bingo bango - Manhattan. But I guess that would have been what a good writer should have done.  F13 Part 8 sadly didn't seem to have that. Sigh. Oh, what could have been.

NOTE:  Oh yeah, you know that opening song, The Darkest Side of the Night made it on to my iPod. I couldn't help it, it was just so 80's cheesy awesome. Yeah, I downloaded it. And I'm not ashamed....much.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

• Rocker J.J. and her death by axe guitar. Rock and Roll!
• Tough guy Julius taking on Jason in a boxing match and Jason's stoic reaction.
• Jason's first glimpse of Times Square. Brilliant.
• Jason removing his mask to show those street kids exactly what they were dealing with. Feeling lucky punks?

Fun Facts Kids!

• Lar Park Lincoln (Tina from Part 7) was asked back but negotiations broke down when she wanted more money.
• Only one week was spent filming the scenes in New York.
• The cook that Jason throws into the mirror in the diner scene is Ken Kirzinger, who eventually played Jason in "Freddy Vs Jason." 
• In one scene Kane Hodder was told he had to kick a dog. He refused saying "Jason wouldn't do that."
• This one didn't do so well at the box office and was the final nail in the coffin (so to speak) for Paramount who quickly sold the original franchise to New Line.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - The New Blood

Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back
 - AC/DC

We're up to Part 7 - most commonly known as "Jason meets Carrie" among the fans, which is probably the most accurate description I must say. It's also among the silliest concept in a Friday movie but here's the weird part. This is my favorite of all the F13 movies. I know, I know, it should be Part 1 or 2 but, as messy as it is, I am thoroughly entertained by this movie.

This time around we begin with flashbacks of other F13 films and a narrator who tells us that Jason is still out there in the water. Then we cut to another flashback of a young Tina (our protagonist) getting PO'd that her Dad was beating up on her Mom and using her psychic powers to knock the boat dock out right from under him. He dies. Years later, she grows up into teen Carrie..er...Tina, and goes with her Mom and her therapist to visit the site of her Father's death to get some closure I guess. There she meets the hunk next door Nick, who is partying with a bunch of other young adults that emcompass all the stereotypes including the bitch, the nerd, the stoner, etc. During a traumatic moment, Tina manages to "accidentally" psychically revive Jason, who's been in the water all that time, and hilarity ensues, along with vast amounts of violence.

I LIKE this movie. Just plain like it. And for the longest time I couldn't figure out why. The psychic stuff is kind of silly and seriously borrows so much from Carrie they should have named the character of Tina "Sissy" in her honor. The sterotypes are pretty broad with the exception of Nick, who has a nice chemistry with Tina. And the ending is just plain stupid. But....

Jason is TERRIFYING in this one. This is the one F13 movie where I looked at Jason and went "Whoa. Creeped OUT." It could be that this is the first time we get Kane Hodder playing Jason and I have to admit, he adds a lot of physicality to the role with his threatening stance, sharp jerky movements that chest heave that says "Yep, you're dead."

But what terrified me even more than Kane's performance was the look of Jason. Yep, our boy Jason has come a long way since his start as a monogloid and a mountain man. This Jason is neither of those things. Nope, this time we have Zombie Jason. He has a partial ribcage showing. His hockey mask isn't pure white, it looks like it has been through hell (which it probably had, this is Jason we're talking about). His clothes are black, torn and tattered. At one point he reaches out an arm to kill a lad and you can see dark rivulets of black gunk oozing out of his exposed forearm. And let's just talk about Jason with his mask off, shall we? It's scary, it's horrifying, it's a death mask and it. looks. wonderful.

Oh and this one had the sleeping bag kill. Need I say more?

So it's a little cheesy. The kids aren't likeable (except for Tina and Nick), the psychic powers seem more like an afterthought than anything else, the ending is implausible to say the least (and the movie ends abruptly) but you know what? I enjoyed it. The atmosphere was creepy, the music suited the film, the kids are just there to die but watching them die is tons of fun. And Jason? Well, he's just doing what Jason does, except he's doing it better. And he looks terrific doing it.

Sadly, I know it's all downhill from here. I remember hating Part 8,9 and 10. But I'm going to re-watch them again and review. I'm no quitter. But then again, neither is Jason.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

• Sleeping bag death scene!
• Tina using her powers to make Melissa's pearls explode. Take that, bitch!
• Skeevy Terry Kiser (Tina's therapist) using Tina's Mom as a human shield against Jason. Boo. Hiss.
• Any scene with Jason. Did I mention I really love this version of Jason? I really love this version of Jason.

Fun Facts Kids!

• If the narrator at the beginning of the movie sounds familiar, he should. It's the voice of Walt Gorney (Crazy Ralph) from the first and second film.
• In the infamous sleeping bag kill, Jason actually hit the bag several times against the tree but it was cut down as one hard hit made the death seem even more brutal.
• Lar Park Lincoln (Tina) kept her real age a secret (she was 28) in case people would think she was too "old" to play Tina.
• The working title of the film was "Birthday Bash".
• Kerry Noonan (Paula from Part 6) auditioned for the role of Tina, not knowing that it was a Friday the 13th film. Obviously, she didn't get the part.
  

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - Jason Lives

Oh, if you see him coming
Get away if you can
Just keep on running
Run as fast as you can
He's a dangerous, strangerous man
 - Alice Cooper

Okay, I feel like knocking these out of the park and I'm on a roll, so here I am continuing the F13 marathon review with Part 6: Jason Lives. Jason lives . HA! Like there was ever any doubt. Anyways, you really don't see much love or hate for this film and the reason why is there's really nothing wrong with it, but it's not that great either. It's just a Jason movie. And that's all it's really trying to be.

The movie begins with Tommy Jarvis (now played by Thom Mathews) and Horshack (RIP Horshack!) inexplicably deciding to dig up Jason to get some closure. Or something. Of course, it all goes terribly wrong, lightning strikes the body of Jason, and he comes to life. Horshack dies, Tommy escapes and then we cut to a new group of camp counselors awaiting their inevitable doom, including the sweet and pretty Paula, the nice girl Sissy, slutty boy Cort and the Sheriff's rebellious 30 year-old teenage daughter Megan who sees Tommy in jail and decides he looks doable enough to rescue.

Now which of these characters is "final" material? I bet you're guessing the wrong ones....

This one isn't really the most memorable of all the F13's but it's not that bad either. Director Tom McLoughlin at least tries to inject some humor into the series. One of the kids (yes there are actually kids in the camp!) has a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's No Exit on his chest as he quietly sleeps. A caretaker looks at the audience at one point and sneers "Some folks have a strange idea of entertainment." And one little kid asks another after seeing Jason, "So what DID you want to be when you grew up?" It's not all guffaw worthy but it helps the movie along and adds a little fun along the way.

So what makes it kind of forgettable? Well, if you thought Tommy was bland in the last installment, get a load of Thom. Now I loved the actor in Return of the Living Dead but here he's just lost as he mumbles, stumbles and bores. You know the character just isn't working when Corey Feldman was the better actor of all the three that played him. And then there's the "final" girl Megan. Ask any F13 fan and they will tell you, the wrong girl lived. All the character does is "tee hee" and show how "naughty" she is, giggling, screaming and flirting with Tommy. In fact, even after learning people are dead, the actress just squeals and giggles some more. You really just wanna slap the crap out of her and tell her to listen to her Sheriff father, who I guess is supposed to be a dick, but is actually quite reasonable.

The final girl should have been Paula, a pretty, nice sweet counselor (and a much more believable actress) who sadly gets the most BRUTAL death in all the F13 movies. What makes it so brutal you ask? Well for one, everyone loved her character and didn't want to see her die. But also it's one of those deaths where what you imagine is far worse than what is shown. We HEAR Jason brutalizing her in a cabin, we see her body flung through a window and then Jason viciously pulling her back for more. When we see the aftermath, the cabin all covered in gore and blood, we can only imagine what happened. And it's bad.

The death scenes are pretty good, some of the characters work (like Paula and the Sheriff), some don't (Megan and Tommy) and some are just there to be killed. Jason looks pretty good this time around and we see a lot of him, unlike the previous two entries where he doesn't appear until the end. And C.J. Graham does a good job of making Jason look and act scary.

So what we have here is a typical Friday the 13th movie. It ain't the greatest, it's not trying to be, but it's far from the worst. And perhaps, that's for the best.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

• Jason's worm-ridden body coming to life with a lightning bolt because...well, why not?
• The little girl waking up at the cabin and talking about the "scary monster" she saw. Spoiler: The monster was real. : )
• Poor Paula and the most brutal death scene we never see.
• The Alice Cooper song "Man Behind the Mask" over the end credits which I loved as a teenager and had to download immediately after seeing this movie again. Memories.

Fun Facts Kids!

• Jason's underwater "death" scene was shot in the swimming pool of Tom McLoughlin's parents.
• The role of Tommy Jarvis was given to Thom Mathews after John Shepherd from Part 5 turned it down.
• C.J. Graham got a last-minute call to play Jason on a Saturday and started filming the following Monday when the original stuntman wasn't deemed scary enough.
• Even though there is a "sex" scene, this is the only Friday the 13th that contained no nudity whatsoever.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!