Recap of the Absurd: Hard Rock Zombies - Page 5

Continued from Page 4


Meanwhile Cassie (remember her?) is grieving at Jessie's grave. Because you know, she knew him for like, two whole days and it was like, true love and stuff. Gee girl, get a grip! He didn't even have time to molest you properly. Cassie whines through her sobs that "I'm crying for you, and I'll never stop crying for you." And oh yes, we all remember the crushes we had when we were 12. I was convinced I was going to marry David Lee Roth. Luckily I didn't. I'm thinking Cassie is dodging that same exact bullet. She puts down a tape recorder next to Jessie's grave and plays the tape Jessie gave her before he was murdered which is (surprise surprise) the resurrection song. Gee, I wonder what will happen next?

I too, weep for the death of cinema

The dirt moves and out pops Jessie's hand. He's back and so is the rest of Dead Meat. Zombies of Rock - they taught us how to love! Cassie backs the hell off, because, apart from the whole "I love Jessie" thing, she's proven herself to be slightly smarter than everyone else in the movie. We get a good look at our "zombies" as they pull themselves out of the ground (no caskets I guess) and walk towards the town to presumably take their revenge on those that done them wrong. I put the word "zombies" in quotes because these guys don't technically look or move like zombies. They actually look more like rejects from the Kiss Army who watched the Thriller video one too many times after they became members of the Baseball Furies. They do have a kick-ass theme song though.

Um.....Scary?

Well, the zombies were at least entertaining, but it's time for more Hitler! Eagle Scout follows Hitler and Baldie into a cave that turns out to be a giant gas chamber, because we just hadn't sunk low enough. Hitler happily explains the two different types of gas in there: yellow gas which causes your head to split open and blue gas that fills your lungs with what he calls "piss and pus". Oddly enough, it's only after visiting the gas chamber that Eagle Scout decides to back off a bit and he declines the job offer. But really, who can blame him for at least thinking about taking the job in this economy? Hitler is upset and Baldie drags the band manager off. Did I mention we're only around 45 minutes into the movie?

Big Bad Bald ties Eagle Scout down to a table and is about to split his head open with a hatchet (although I don't know why they just didn't use the yellow gas to do that) when he notices the blade isn't nearly sharp enough and goes to fix that. Meanwhile the zombies are marching to the town while flashing back to edits of their untimely deaths that happened 10 minutes ago in case you forgot what was going on in the film already. We get shots of each of their faces, along with each of their graves, so we finally learn their names, which is nice now that we're halfway through the movie. Nice. There's Jessie (of course). The Tommy Shaw looking dude is actually named Tommy, so I was dead on with that one. Duran Duran boy is named Robby and the long haired "rock and roll loud show" guy is Chuck.

And just try telling me that Chuck wasn't a Baseball Fury. I dare you. Also I see at least two Peter Criss' in there. Detroit Rock City! Jessie, of course, looks dreamy as usual. Oh Jessie, bite me so we could be together forever.  Sigh.....

Jessie, Tommy, Robby and Chuck, if I like a girl who cares who you fu--

Jessie walks over to where Eagle Scout is strapped down, sets him free and then kills Baldie by shoving a large knife into his throat. Payback! And movie....we need more of THIS. I mean, the zombie stuff is actually fun, why are you blowing all of your wad on Hitler? Remember the title of the movie? Less Hitler, less Grandma Werewolf, less town meetings, more ZOMBIES!

The Tommy and Robby zombies pop-lock-dance-groove their way over to Grandma Werewolf and they kill her too. Chuck in the meantime, kills Evil Helen Hunt and Creepy Picture taking guy by drowning them in bird baths. Then Robby picks up the two midgets and conks them together, so they're dead too. I could make a dwarf tossing joke in there but I'm too classy for that. I am. Stop laughing. Meanwhile Eagle Scout is confused, as one would be and runs around watching all the action. Hitler finds his dead werewolf love and starts shouting/grieving, but then all four boys show up and kill Hitler. 'MURICA!

Continue to Part 6