Monday, April 29, 2013

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare


We can deal with rockets and dreams
But reality, what does it mean
Ain't nothing said
Cause Freddie's dead

- Curtis Mayfield

Oh dear. Oh my stars. Oh...crap.  How could the death of an classic horror icon be handled so terribly.  I am truly offended. In fact, this movie was so bad, I wrote a letter expressing my disappointment, shock and awe which I have reprinted here in all of it's glory (although it arrived about 12 years too late.)

Sept, 13, 1991

Dear People Who Made This Crapfest:

I am thoroughly disgusted by your movie. I have come to expect a certain amount of cheese from your waning franchise, it's true. But this...this abomination...well, it turns my stomach. I mean, what did you do to Freddy?

Not only is he not funny, he's not scary. You could have had him be one or the other or a nice combination of both, but instead you chose "none of the above." Freddy breaks the 4th wall constantly, his make-up is the worst it's ever looked, and frankly I think he bought all of his props from ACME. To put it best: This is a Looney Tunes cartoon and Freddy is Wile E. Coyote.

And his lousy death scene, well...let's just say that I think that CGI fad will soon be going away. I mean I don't see it continuing on in 1992 and beyond.

Anyways here's a list of things that really pissed me off:
  • Lisa Zane looks like she belongs in an episode of L.A. Law, not a horror film
  • That video game sequence was just plain stupid with Spencer hopping all over the place.  And the Power Glove? Really?
  • Okay, Johnny Depp is dreamy, but why did you have Roseanne and Tom Arnold in there?
  • Freddy should not have a kid.
  • Freddy should not have had a kid.
  • Did I mention that Freddy should not had/have a kid?  C'mon the guy killed children! He was the solitary loner who lived in boiler room and slashed little bodies. Not the suburban guy on a well-manicured lawn.  Get real.
  • Come to think of it, the fair-haired kid didn't even look like exotic Middle-Eastern looking Maggie, who in turn couldn't look less like Robert Englund. 
Finally what the hell do 3-D glasses have to do with the dream world? The 3-D didn't add anything and made no sense. Gee, I hope that's trend that will never come back. I mean I can't imagine them in 2010 and beyond using that hackneyed trick. It's so dated. Unlike acid wash overalls, which are totally here to stay, Mark my words.

Okay I'll admit, there were a few things I liked:
  • Carlo's death with his hearing issue was kind of cool , I guess.
  • The map scene was kind of fun.
  • The kid-free town had a nice spooky feel, even if it wasn't believable.
  • Um....Johnny Depp's skin looked great?  Yeah I got nothing else. 

So thanks, filmmakers. You ruined the end of a perfectly good franchise. And I'll bet they'll never ever, ever, ever, going to make another Nightmare on Elm Street film after this one. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see this band called Nirvana. I hear they're pretty good.



P.S. Poor Freddy deserved a better send-off than this. And now he's dead. Never to return...

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):
  • The opening dream sequence on the plane which reminded me a little bit of Final Destination.
  • Hey! It's Johnny Depp!
  • Hey! It's Alice Cooper!
  • Teen Freddy who was actually scarier in this one than adult Freddy.
Fun Facts Kids!
  • Nintendo would not give the filmmakers the rights to use the power glove. They used it anyway.
  • If you want to see what  Lezlie Dean (Tracy) looks like now, watch her in the Never Sleep Again Documentary. Wow.
  • Lisa Zane submitted a song for the end of the movie that didn't make it.
  • A young upstart by the name of Peter Jackson wrote a very interesting script that was intelligent as it was imaginative. It (sadly) wasn't used and instead we got this.
Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment

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