Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Recap of the Absurd: Hard Rock Zombies

Part I - More to Come!

Hello creepy people! I'm back and introducing a new feature to the Werewolves blog: Recap of the Absurd. During this segment, I'll be recapping some pretty obscure, odd and let's face it, downright awful horror movies that may have escaped your attention (and probably rightly so).  We'll be starting off the first recap with the 1985 cheesefest that is Hard Rock Zombies.

You've probably never heard of it, so let me tell you about the plot. Ummm. I can't. Because frankly it doesn't really have one, at least not one that it sticks to continuously. So let's just say it's got rock n' roll (of sorts), sex (kind of), zombies (naturally), and insane townspeople. Plus Hitler, a werewolf and midgets. Yeah, it's all in there. Strap in folks.   

We start with a couple of rocking dudes driving down a lonesome road where they pick up a blond hitchhiker because she's got legs. And I'm guessing she also knows how to use them because she looks like she stepped out of a ZZ Top video, fried hair and all. Oh the 80's. Did they have shame back then? Or at least leave-in conditioner?

The boys and girl drive down to a lake to skinny dip. One guy immediately swims over for some nookie, but she just drowns him which somehow causes him to bleed profusely underwater. I still don't know how that's possible but maybe he's a bleeder. Then she swims over to the other guy and Evil Girl kills him too, presumably for not paying attention to small details like your buddy being killed right in front of you. Meanwhile a creepy guy in a blue tux and two midgets observe the action from behind some trees and take pictures.

The boys' dead bodies are brought onto dry land and carefully wrapped in plastic. Well, our killers are tidy at least. The creeper and a midget carefully hold up the arm of one of the bodies and Killer Queen slices it off at the wrist. She then proceeds to sing a caterwaul chorus of "I wanna hold your hand". And now we KNOW she's evil. Because killing two innocent guys is one thing, but destroying the Beatles? Unforgivable. Plus she sort of resembles a slutty Helen Hunt, which I guess is also pretty evil.

Can we all give her a really big hand?  Hahahahahaha....
Yeah...I hate myself. 
But enough death, it's time to rock! We're introduced via small barroom concert to our "heroes", the band. Interestingly enough they never name the band in the movie, so I'll just call them Dead Meat. Dead Meat is led by Jessie, a guy with a killer mullet inexplicably paired with a small pencil mustache. It's a confusing look to be sure, but when matched with a black wife beater and dog collar around the neck, we see that he is totally rocking, for sure. Oh Jessie. You are the hard rock zombie of my dreams. Sigh.

I am so totally crushing......
The crowd is mostly teen squealing girls which negates all the hard-rocking I just mentioned. Also the song they play with lyrics like "shake shake shake it up baby" isn't going to bang heads anytime soon, I assure you. After the gig, their square Eagle Scout-looking manager tries to get the boys to pose for some pictures with their groupies, because that's what popular bands do. Of course the boys resist this because girls are like, icky and they are like, true musicians. Plus, who wants all that sex? But the manager lets the groupies in anyways and the crazed girls assault our poor hapless "artists".

Excuse me miss, your lack of self-respect is showing
Jessie (he's the sensitive one), walks away from all the bru-ha-ha after noticing a quiet shy, young looking thing in the corner. She looks uber-illegal but that doesn't stop our poet from striking up a conversation, cause she's....mysterious. The girl with no name warns Jessie to stay away from their gig tomorrow at the town of Grand Guignol. Unfortunately their little tete-a-tete is interrupted by squealing girls who break in to molest Jessie and Jail-bait (yep, I'm naming her Jail-bait) runs off before Jessie can question her further.

However, warning or no warning a gig is still a gig, and Dead Meat drive to the aptly named town of Grand Guignol in their totally bitchin' rape van. During the trip Jessie plays a foreshadow in the form of a song he's working on with lyrics that he got from some old book, or as he explains to his fellow victims-to-be "you know. A b---o---o--o---o--k." I'm surprised he even knows what that is personally. Jessie tells the guys that the words he's singing are actually a chant that will supposedly raise the dead. I'm sure that will come in handy later.

On their way to their inevitable dooms, our hapless mooks spot a hitchhiker. Can you guess who it is? If you guessed the chick that cut off the guy's hand, you'd be right. If you guessed anyone else, then you are probably too dumb to live and I fear for the people around you. Dead Meat pick up ZZ Top girl and she tells the guys that they should stay at her house, because it "beats staying at a motel". Of course the guys are too stupid, or too horny to think anything of it, so off they go. Besides if you can't trust a slutty Helen Hunt look-a-like you pick up at the side of the road, who can you trust?

Dead Meat go to Evil Girl's house which is actually a huge estate. One of the midgets, who we can now see is played by Phil Fondacaro, king of the little guy actors, offers them a hand that turns out to be a real hand. The guys shriek and throw it at each other but they are reassured by Evil Helen Hunt who tells them that it's just a toy. It is, of course, the dead guy's hand, but once again horny stupid guys don't notice much. The scene is suddenly interrupted by a quick clip of a werewolf in a chair and a granny wig who howls from inside the house. Outside, the boys marvel at the sound but Helen Hunt tells the boys that it's her Mother's primal scream therapy. And the guys buy that too. Because stupid and horny. 

In the next scene, which is as completely unrelated as the werewolf one, Phil puts his "toy" hand in a jar of red goo while Helen Hunt strokes his face. We notice a bunch of hands in jars on the back wall and I don't even know why I'm telling you this because frankly, they will never be explained. I guess midgets and evil Helen Hunts collect hands or something. Hey, it's as good an explanation as any.

But enough of the scene that didn't make sense because it's time for another scene that doesn't make sense.  Oh this. Oh sweet this. Oh wow this. This...this...scene of the boys tearing it up in Grand Guignol in grand style. I was going to try and describe it, I really was. I was going to say it's like Journey's Separate Ways video only 10,000 times more cheesier. But no amount of words would suffice. So, I present to you, in all it's glory: Na Na Na.

And...if you're wondering who those guys they keep showing during the chorus are, they are the towns dignitaries who don't like rock n' roll and want to keep the band out of Grand Guignol. Of course you don't find that out till later so at this point so their faces continuously being shown pretty much confuses the audience. Because this movie is so effed up, and time has no meaning, and nothing makes sense and. ..oh hell. Just forget I said anything.

Continue to Part 2

Thursday, May 5, 2016

OMG - The Werewolf is Waking Up!

Okay after several years of not posting due to my hectic crazy lifestyle (ie lazy and uninspired) I decided to wake up the napping werewolf by tapping him lightly on the shoulder and suggesting it was time to rise and shine.

It didn't go so well, I lost a forearm, but I also accomplished my goal and I'll have new posts soon. Look for a new spot entitled "Recap of the Absurd" where I take an odd, obscure movie you probably overlooked and ravage it (much like what happened to my forearm).

In the meantime, please use that Oujia board in the old mental institution on the anniversary of the night you killed your best friend with all your school chums. I'm sure everything would be okay.