Thursday, August 12, 2010

Werewolves Presents: The Live Blogging of a Crap Horror Film


Welcome to the first ever Werewolves' live blogging of a crap horror film, this time featuring the train wreck that is Rob Zombie's Halloween II. This movie was chosen because a) No one liked it in the least, even Zombie apologists and b) It was free at the local library so no money on my end went to support remakes or re-imaginings or their ilk.

Anyhoo, Halloween II is supposed to be extremely horrible and is just another nail in the movie coffin who showed such promise with....um...well...never mind. This movie is essentially Zombie's baby who wrote and directed it between horror con appearances and daily tick baths so we have no one to blame but him. Since this my is the first (and hopefuly last) viewing of the film, the comments are being written as I watch.

THE LIVE BLOG:

White horses symbolize dream something or anothers.  Excuse me, were there supposed to be study materials for this movie?

Lauri's alive...and she's covered in delicious chocolate syrup. Yum!

COW!

Michael 's alive! And without any of that silly little exposition like how the hell he survived the first film.

17 year old girls clinging to life LOVE to listen to The Moody Blues. It's so, like....current!

Dr. Myers will see you now.

Okay, not only is the entire hospital abandoned on Halloween but patients are chained in for their own safety. Whose running this get up? Nurse Rachett?

Absolutely nothing of interest has happened in the last 10 minutes. Except a lot of glass is being shattered. I ain't cleaning that up.

A dream sequence? It was a dream sequence? ROBERT MATTHEW ZOMBIE YOU GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF MISTER!

One year later.....

17 year old girls today totally all have Alice Cooper posters on their wall. He's so like, 'now'!

Oh God, I'm on chapter 8. I have 20 more chapters to go......NOTE: DVD was paused and blogging was stopped so that the blogger could do something less painful like yanking out her eye tooth with rusty pliers. Just call me Whistley McGee.

Laurie and her friend from the last movie look like hell. Apparently the torture they went through one year ago prevents them from brushing their hair.

Margot Kidder!

Malcomb McDowell! Wait a tic...didn't Dr. Loomis die in the last movie? Ahhh who cares....

Howard Hessman! Rob Z is totally stuck in the 70's. I mean, whose next? Abba?

And if you thought that Laurie's original friends were annoying. Oh and Rob, for future reference, teen girls don't talk like 45 year old truckers.

The authorities never found Michael's body? Oh dear, is he going to kill again? Worry worry, fret fret.

I'm going to write a movie called Michael vs. Jason in which the two antagonists sit down and discuss their mutual Mommy issues. It'll kinda be like My Dinner with Andre. Only with machetes.

Michael kills random sweary trashy rednecks. Um....Rob? Is now a good time to point out that you grew up in Middle-Class Suburbia? Every one of his movies has a layer of stank over it. I always feel like I need a shower afterwards, and not in a good way.

Laurie the vegetarian has a psychic connection with her meat-eating brother and the results = hilarity. I see a funny sitcom!

Rob, we know your wife is very pretty and all but couldn't you just have her star in each and every music video you make and....oh yeah. She already does.

Halloween III mask reference in artsy black and white. Michael's dreams are like Calvin Klein meets Silver Shamrock.

Another. Worst. Dream. Sequence. Ever. Doesn't anyone just have the test dream? Or the naked dream? Why do they all dream in "art house". God the video in The Ring made more sense than this.

Oh great, the strip club is back. Cause the whole movie wasn't trashy enough.

Two of the most unappealing people I've ever seen are having sex. And no, it's not the Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson video.

Dead strippers aren't much fun. 

But live puppies are!

Why is Michael dressed as a jedi?

Laurie's an ungrateful little snot who's vying for the "Most F Words Used in a Scene" award.   Yep, this is our heroine, folks.

Weird Al Yankovich!

Awwww.....Michael almost made a friend.

What's up with the vampire hillbilly band?  One of these things is not like the other one....

Teen girls love The Rocky Horror Picture Show, it's so...with it!

Okay, the sheriff's daughter is an ungrateful little snot too.  There is literally no one to root for in this movie.

Ooooohh.  Did that girl just suggest a golden shower? Never mind, she's dead.  Good.

Laurie doesn't make a bad Magenta.  And she just got through a whole sentence without saying the F word.  Good for her.

Holy Horror Movie Clich├ęs Batman! We get the dumb police officer getting killed, the killer in the bathroom mirror, and girl getting ready for a shower scene.  I really want to spank this movie.  Except it would probably enjoy it.

Michael made a noise.  Isn't that against Halloween movie law?

Someone needs to report ghost mom to Ghost Child Protective Services.

Poor Annie.  This is the second time she's naked and covered in blood.   I betcha she's hoping there's no Halloween 3 now. 

That's quick thinking Laurie.  Escape through a laser light show!

Brad Dourif, you are too good for this movie.

Michael just killed off a likable character.  That's odd.

Hey ghost mom, there's been a car accident.  Can you dial ghost 911 with your ghost fingers?  Thanks.

I can't believe Laurie's real name is Angel.  Oh the irony.

Ghost mom really needs love validation.

What did Loomis' book have to do with Michael being alive?  I mean, I'd love to blame him for something but there really doesn't seem to be a point to it.

Michael's holed up in The Blair Witch Project House.  I want to make him stand in the corner.

Where did all the strobe lights come from?  Are they at the local discotech?

Michael is now dead and Loomis is now sushi.

Love hurts.

Laurie's evil now.  Wait, you mean she wasn't before?

This concludes the first ever live blogging of a crap horror movie and I am unsure if I ever want to subject myself to that torture again. To be honest, I never really liked the original Halloween II because once you brought in the whole sister thing, it made Michael seem more human and less like a killing machine, which isn't a good thing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a shower. Till next time!

2 comments:

The Political Palaver said...

Fun post. Far more entertaining than the movie itself.

I'd suggest doing another live blog while viewing. But next time, select a film that's just bad and it may be easier on you, rather than subjecting yourself to perhaps the greatest travesty in the history of horror.

RZ's Halloween remake just made me sad. In the original JC Halloween, Michael Meyers was just evil. No explanations, just a sick, methodical killing anomaly bred in middle class suburbia that scared the hell out of me. The fact he was an enigma made him scary. Rob Zombie turned him into a sad little victim of a trashy upbringing and coated his story with layers of senseless allegory in an effort to sate his desire to be creative and artistic (hence the young hip characters strangely sharing his retro taste in music and eccentric decorative and fashion sense).

Halloween II took all those bad things and made them exponentially worse. His Halloween remake just made me sad. Like it apparently did for you, Halloween II just left me scratching my head and a little bit angry at his presumption to ruin a horror gem.

And at least you had the good sense to not donate money to the effort. I wish I could say the same.

W

Cheryl Z said...

Well put Palaver! Michael as a souless mindless killer works because he's scary! Michael as a abused little boy with serious Mommy issues doesn't because we know to much about them.

I don't want to know why he kills, I just want my monsters to be frightening. Is that so hard?