Recap of the Absurd: Hard Rock Zombies - Page 2

Continued from Page 1

 
The guys are posing for their badass picture which involves putting their mullet-y heads through cardboard cutouts that resemble their bodies when Jessie spots Jail Bait peering around the corner, looking especially statutory rape-y in a white short jumper with braided hair. Jessie chases after her and they both collide into her Dad who tells the long-hair that's it time for him to go home. Then he tells Jail Bait to go home too. Two different homes, by the way.

The stereotype Sheriff and town dignitaries lock up the band for no reason other than that damned devil rock n' roll music. Of course this being nowheresville, it's not so much a jail cell, as a small barn room with hay everywhere. The guys are cool with this because they're rockers and any rocker worth his salt ends up in jail at some point in their life. But Eagle Scout manager is upset about missing tomorrow's concert because a big-time record executive is supposed to come and hear them play. However, Jessie reassures him, saying "even dead, we'll make it."  Foreshadowing!
 

More engaging and life-like than the real band. And oddly enough, less wooden.   

Jail Bait throws a package of money to the boys through the barred window. It's money for bail that consists of $37.06. Aww, isn't that sweet? She probably had to break her piggy bank for that. Jessie tries to sing a love song to the girl, who reluctantly comes back over to the window. "You're neat," he tells her. Wax poetic, Romeo. But once again her Dad interrupts the love fest and pulls Jail Bait away from the bad man. You know, Dad is looking more and more like the hero here.

Enough of that though because it's time for some good ol' fashioned geriatric lovin'!  We're treated to a scene of an old man and woman having sex. Grandma, the werewolf lady, is now human I guess, as she humps Gramps and marvels that the guy is 95 years old and "can still do it". Ick. The two midgets - one Phil and the other inexplicably wearing a mask ask if they can watch. And they do. Double ick. You know, Twin Peaks probably wishes it were this weird.

Your Grandparents do this. Enjoy your therapy.

And yes that picture is really dark, but the film print I had isn't of the highest quality. And let's face it, do you really wanna see more detail?  Meanwhile back at the "jail house", the boys are bailed out by Evil Girl, who apparently has access to more money than Jail Bait. One of the boys decides that it's a good time to taunt the Sheriff and his cronies by shouting "You coming to the show tomorrow night? The LOUD show? The LOUD MUSIC show? ROCK N' ROLL?!!" proving that he is the stupidest of them all. And that's saying something.

Jessie again spots Jail Bait sitting in a abandoned truck and once again stalk--I mean--engages her in conversation. Jail Bait, proving that she is one of the least stupidest people in the movie, tells Jessie to stay away from Evil Girl. So far her advice has been dead on, so of course it's ignored. Jessie calls her weird, which is right up there with the romantic word of "neat" and gives her his ring, which means that if their love weren't so damn illegal, they'd be going steady. He tries to get her name, but the girl refuses, until Jessie, like most douchebag musicians of that era tells her he is writing a song about her. So she gives it up -- well her name at least. Cassie. Her name is Cassie. Ohh....I sense a really bad monster ballad coming our way.....

Listen honey, before we go any further, I'm going to need to see some ID.

Dead Meat goes back to the estate and sets up a dress rehearsal for the "loud, music rock n' roll" show in front of the house. One of the band members, a guy who looks suspiciously like Tommy Shaw from Styx notices that hey, the people that live in the house are sort of...weird. Like the bald guy covered in blood who beheads chickens with an axe, or the midget with the mask on, or the creepy guy in the powder blue suit who takes pictures of everyone. And that doesn't sound weird to me, but then again, they've never been to one of my family reunions. Throw in the aunt with chin hair who reeks of gin, and the cousin with one eye who isn't allowed near the school playgrounds anymore and I'd feel right at home. The band decides to just ignore the crazies and Jessie starts to play the song he wrote for Jail Bait. Midget Phil and "still can do it" Grandpa try to electrocute the band by shorting out their equipment. Sadly, they fail.

Back at the town hall, they have a meeting. Cause there's trouble right here in Grand Guignol. Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with D and that stands for Dead Meat. Damn I'm so good at naming bands. Call me Jessie! The leaders of the town include some of the dudes from the chorus of Na Na Na and they are every bit as exciting as they are in the video.

The meeting drones on and I won't bore you with all of the details but there's some scintillating dialogue on whether they are having an emergency meeting or an emergency session, then they discuss points of order and notes. So it's like watching an afternoon of C-SPAN, but without all the danger and excitement.

Up for vote is  Proposal 6969 which gets a titter (tee hee) from the townsfolk, so they aren't completely clueless I guess. The proposal bans rock n' roll and other things like "door-to-door sales of intimate devices". What?! Ban visits from your friendly neighborhood Dildo Man?!! I just don't want to live in this world anymore. The meeting continues as townsfolk with names like Edna, Luanne and Blanche talk about how rock leads to sex "and worst of all PHYSICAL sex". Oops, looks like Grandma and Grandpa broke the law. And not just the one against nature. Eagle Scout Manager tries to get the town's leaders to reconsider but a ban is placed on rock and/or roll, so that means no concert tomorrow night. So bogus! Have we learned nothing from Footloose?

Continue to Part 3