Recap of the Absurd: Hard Rock Zombies - Page 3

Continued from Page 2


Meanwhile back at Evil Girl's house, Jessie (remember him?) is sitting in a bedroom strumming the resurrection song on his guitar. A tarantula climbs up his boot and he kills it. Then he plays the song again, the spider comes to life and he kills it again. Then he plays the song again, and the spider comes to life and... okay you get the picture. The resurrection song works. But Jessie's not even singing the words, so why would it work?  I guess the guitar riff must be just that powerful. So it's kind of like Stairway to Heaven. Except it's the opposite when you think about it.

And then...the movie unleashes 'cut scene hell', in that you can't figure out what the 'hell' is going on. Two of the band members, Tommy Shaw and another guy, a short-haired band member who looks like he got lost after wandering away from Duran Duran, are outside in a horrible day-for-night shot. Tommy's lying down under a tree covered in either blood or delicious raspberry syrup. I can't tell which, but it doesn't really matter because he was just punking his friend. Tee hee! Pretend death is funny! Oh and the long-haired "loud music show" band member guy is suddenly sitting next to Werewolf Grandma (again with no reasonable explanation) who looks upwards and howls. I'm so confused. The actor is trying hard to not to laugh the entire time, which makes it doubly weird.


Grandma, what weird editing you have!

Okay, long haired guy must have moved on because now he's following Evil Girl, who is going upstairs wrapped in a towel. I'm guessing Grandma wolf wasn't his type. His loss, because in that scene with Gramps she looked like she'd be a dynamo in the sack. We see one of the cut-off hands moving in a jar. We see Jessie and the spider. Again. We see Helen Hunt taking off her towel and getting into the shower. Each scene lasts less than a microsecond which leads me to believe this movie was edited with a rusty scalpel wielded by a blind monkey on crack. He probably wrote the screenplay too.

Finally the editing just fixates on ZZ-Top Girl in the shower. Long-haired loud music boy, decides that it's a good idea to get nekkid and just jumps into the shower with her without even asking. This suits Evil Helen Hunt just fine. Partly because she's evil and partly (from what we've learned at the very beginning of the movie) she enjoys killing naked guys in water. Long Hair and Evil make out while Skinamax music plays loudly in the background. Our soon-to-be victim tells Evil Girl "I think I love you" and then adds "this is kinda like a movie, huh?"  Evil Girl replies "Yes, Love Story" which then makes me wonder which one of them would be Ali McGraw. I mean, both of them are certainly hairy enough. The guy mentions "Devil in Miss Jones" (ewww) and Evil Girl counteracts with "Psycho". She then cuts him to pieces with a knife (and just where was she hiding that thing?) while creepy guy takes pictures from a window. Meanwhile the townspeople are getting off in their own unique way - by smashing all the rock n' roll records they can find. I guess vinyl really is dead now, isn't it?

Then all the band members get killed. At least that's what I'm assuming is happening because due to the poor editing and the bad pacing of it all, perhaps they're just being lightly tickled in a playful sort of way. At any rate, the killings take considerably less screen time than the town meeting, which is sad. But then again, I'm still angry about the Dildo Man ban. The bastards!

At any rate, we get more blind monkey scalpel editing as we see Evil Girl dancing on a street, Duran Duran guy and Tommy Shaw stumbling into Grandma's room, the hand moving in the jar and Jessie strumming his guitar. Grandma drops her hanky, and Duran Squared, every bit the gentleman, picks it up for her. He looks up and she is now a werewolf with a really bad mask on. Although truth be told, she looks less like a werewolf and more like a miniature Schnauzer in a wig.

Awww,  who's a good girl?. You is a good girl! 

She has knives because werewolves have knives now, don'tcha know. She cuts short-haired guy quickly and an organ, possibly his heart drops to the floor. I could make a joke about how she broke his heart but I won't because it all happens so fast I can't even tell if it IS a heart. It could be his spleen and I can't come up with a joke about spleens. Personal reasons. Grandma chases Tommy Shaw around the room which is so wrong considering she really SHOULD be cutting up Dennis DeYoung, but whatever. He jumps out the window and lands with a squishing sound. Nice try, Tommy but you still can't escape this movie.

Continue to Part 4