Recap of the Absurd: Hard Rock Zombies - Page 4

Continued from Page 3


More fierce editing - townspeople stomp on records, Evil Girl dances in the street, Jessie strums his guitar and the hand moves in the jar. Good God. Can someone tell the filmmakers that even the Na Na Na chorus guys made more sense than this? No, wait a tic. Don't. They'd only do more of that. Somewhere during the nonsense, Dad decides he's had enough of those rockers, and armed with a gun, tells Cassie he's going to shoot the band members. Go Daddy Go! Cassie runs to tell Jessie who hears her approaching using his special "Jail-Bait" alert system and comes running out to greet her. They embrace. Luckily that's all they do.

Shhh! My Pedobear sense is tingling!

Oops, but then their forbidden (and possibly illegal) love is interrupted by the bald weirdo who tries attacking them with a weed wacker. And between this guy and Dad I don't know who to root for. I mean, guns are quick, but there's something deliciously squishy about a weed wacker. Wouldn't it be awesome if they worked together? Oh well. I should also note that Baldie has a Nazi Swastika band on his arm. This movie. Keeping it classy.

Baldie chases the couple through the woods with his weed wacker a-whirring. Jessie tells Cassie to run away and hands her a cassette and tells her "If they get me, play this". Aww...he made her a mix tape. In the 80's that meant you were engaged. Cassie runs off, Baldie catches up with Jessie and makes short work of him with the weed wacker. Then the weirdos gather around for a family portrait. And it's nice to see that they have a hobby they can all enjoy.

We bagged our own and saved!

But enough of that violence, it's dinner time! And there's Eagle Scout Manager having a nice family meal with the whole weirdo family. At first I thought he was a turncoat or traitor of some sort, but no. The movie's not smart enough for that. He just didn't get killed and decided to hang around and eat. Works for me. I've done less for a free meal. Grandma remarks on how nice the funeral was so I guess Dead Meat were buried right away in the town because I'm sure they didn't have any friends or family that would want to attend or anything. After some weird conversation and strange fits of laughter that make the dinner scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like a Hallmark Christmas Special,  Gramps propositions Eagle Scout. It turns out he's in need of a "unpolluted ambitious young boy". No, he didn't mean it like that (although I wouldn't put it past this movie). He just offers Eagle Scout a job.

All of a sudden a weird jewel in the shape of a meatloaf on the table starts flashing and ringing. Oh good! Our table at TGI Friday's is ready! Sadly there are no delicious bacon and cheese filled potato skins to be had. Bummer. Gramps jumps up, shouting "Oh boy" and screams about how he's been waiting for this moment for 40 years. So apparently the weird jewel has a great significance even though, much like the hands in jars, it's never talked about and never explained. However it's apparent it means something. And that something is....

Sieg H....uh?

Grandpa is Hitler.

I'm going to let that sink in for a second. The unexplained never-before seen and never-mentioned again flashing jewel means that after 40 years, Grandpa can rip off his Scooby Doo villain mask (which he does) to reveal an even bigger villain underneath. Yep. He's Hitler. And that means that Grandma is a werewolf Eva Braun. Yep.

Eagle Scout is understandably upset and more than a little confused, as our we, the viewing audience. Gramps takes off his robe to show his Nazi uniform underneath. And has he been wearing that underneath his clothes the whole time just in case the jewel went off? What if it went off during one of his and Eva's marathon sex sessions, huh? Oh god, I'm thinking more about this than I should.

Hitler stands on a platform while midget Phil films him and apparently he's being broadcast throughout the world via "satellite hook-up". So they can accomplish this but they couldn't even electrocute the band on the first try? Geesh. Hitler gives an impassioned speech, most of what I couldn't quite decipher but it went something like "No more masks! No more hiding! No more Mr. Nice Guy! Blood crème brulee with spinach! Purple coffee! Intellectual toasty toads!" Alright, my German may be a bit rusty but the gist of it is that Hitler is back and wants everybody to know so that he can once again unleash his particular brand of evil on an unsuspecting planet. Like another World War. Or a Backstreet Boys reunion.


Continue to Part 5