Sunday, January 30, 2011

Werewolves Presents: The Live Blogging of a Crap Horror Film

In 2009 Platinum Dunes had a dream.  See, having already raped such cult classics as The Hitcher and Friday the 13th, the Michael Bay production company needed fresh blood, so to speak.  So they took one of the most beloved horror movies of all time, one that inspired a classic horror icon, bent it over and told it to take it like a good girl. 

Enter the 2010 remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  With a cast combined of talented and un-talented actors, new Freddy make-up and a dark layer of stanky taint, the remake didn't go over as well as planned.  But that doesn't stop them from, as of this writing at least, planning a sequel.  Sadly.

For my last blogging, I did Rob Zombie's Halloween II, a movie I'd never seen before.  However, the new NOES I half-heartedly attempted to watch once, but fell asleep.  So I'm trying again.  Since this my is the first thorough (and hopefuly last) viewing of the film, the comments are being written as I watch.


Hop scotch and letter blocks equal innocence.  Or something.

Calling a waitress a "bitch" will surely get her attention.  And I'm sure she wouldn't do anything to your food after that.

Freddy's back,  and...well that's all.

Why do they all hang out in the diner?  Shouldn't somebody have swiped some peach schnapps out of Dad's liquor cabinet?  They've taken all of the fun out of being a teenager.

You're not officially a teenager until somebody does shots of peach schnapps, and hurls all over the back seat of your Mom's car before you dump them on a elementary school playground.  No, that's not in the movie but I thought I'd share the joy of mis-spent youth.  Since these kids are dullsville.

Why does the guy have a steak knife on the counter.  I didn't see any steak.  

Awww....Freddy looks like Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast.   Don't believe me?

Ladies and gentlemen, the death of a character we didn't care for and knew nothing about.

Kris is seriously 35 years old.   

Clancy Brown!  Run!  You're too good for this movie!

I miss the old latex wall Freddy gag.  

Amnesia on Elm Street. 

Okay, why would Mom keep kids clothes that were ripped by Freddy Krueger?  That's even more disgusting than Monica Lewinsky and the semen-stained dress.  Almost.

It's Rorschach!  Rorschach's back!  No, it's just Freddy.  Damn.

High school is such a serious place.  These problems matter. 

Hey remember in the original when Nancy fell asleep in class and saw Tina in a body bag?  That was scary.  This isn't.

Okay, where did Kris get that sweet little automobile?  It doesn't seem like a teen's car.  But then again, she's like, 35 years old.

Mom's conveniently going away.  Typical horror movie plot device.  Of course it also symbolizes that Kris is probably dead meat.

Okay, Mom is out of town, why did Jessie have to sneak in through the window? 

And...Mom out of town, scared girl.  In the original that meant hot monkey love sex.  In this one, he just snuggles.  This is the emo generation folks.

Awww, Freddy killed Rufus the dog.  That's sad because Rufus was easily the most likable and believable actor in this movie.

Hey remember the scene in the original where Tina was dragged all over the ceiling while Rod watched helplessly?  That was scary.  This isn't.

Wow, the new Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is the most boring, bland girl imaginable.  And in the words of the immortal Willy Wonka, "You shouldn't mumble, because I can't hear a word you're saying."

Why does Kyle Gallner always look like a sad sack who's dog just died?

Speaking of which, I miss Rufus.  Sob.

Ruf-fus!    Noooo....poor widdle puppy.

Okay, I'm done now.   A moment of silence for Rufus.

I do love me some Jackie Earle but his Freddy Krueger is about as physically intimidating as a tiny pussycat. 

"Why are you screaming, I haven't even cut you yet."  Okay, I admit it.  That was a good line.

The death of a second character we didn't really care for and knew nothing about.

Hey Rooney!  Willy Wonka says:

Something about micronaps.  Well.  One of the writers has himself a internet search engine, doesn't he? 

Nancy and her Mom are characters out of a Tennessee Williams play.  Seriously.  No joy in their lives and everything is brown.

Hey remember that scene in the original where Nancy's in the tub and the claws come.....okay, I'll stop.  You get the picture now.

Okay, Freddy is seriously pervy.  And apparently Nancy smells different.  Gross.

Okay, did the parents just assume that total amnesia would hit all the kids and none of them would remember their childhood?  Or was that just a lucky coincidence?

Uh oh.  The Mom from Friday Night Lights is busted.

Okay, Freddy was a gardener?  Did they just seriously rip off The Simpson's Halloween Episode "Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace?"  Groundskeeper Freddy.  Puh-leeze.
Hey remember in The Simpsons when Willy said "You've mastered a dead tongue.  But can you handle a live one?"  Yeah that was awesome. 

However, awesome does not exist in this dojo.

Come to think of it.   Why do they even bother to show a boiler room when Freddy was a gardener?

And did nobody think that the scratches on the kids would not be found?  They're 5 year olds.  They don't dress themselves, they don't bath themselves.  Everybody would know and the kids would be taken to the police immediately.  Come on.  

More action packed internet research!!!!

Who falls asleep mid-swim?  That guy.  That's who.

I kind of want to sing the Mob song from Beauty and the Beast now.  Kill the beast!  

Oh and for God's sake, leave the police out of it.  They wouldn't want to know about dozens of kids being molested.  Nope, this is the kind of thing you want to take care of by yourself. 

Un-made up Jackie Earle Haley is just too darn cute and likable to see burn.

You know you're dragging down the entire swim team when you almost drown in 5 feet of water.  Maybe take up volleyball? 

Or the chess club.  Join the chess club.

Action packed internet video blogging! 

Okay, cute Asian boy is dead.  But he was making the video when he died.  Who the hell downloaded the video onto the internet?  Does Freddy, who died years ago, know about modern technology?  Maybe he took a few adult ed classes.  Or perhaps they deliver Wired magazine in hell?

Come to think of it, Freddy's tweets would be interesting.   Killed teens today.  Still burnt.  Hungry for egg salad. 

That is the saddest sack Kyle face I've seen yet. 

They made the body bag scene boring as hell.  How can you do that?  I'm going to call up some misguided pissed off Moms and Dads to form a angry mob against the director of this movie.  Kill the beast!   

Would any pharmacist seriously give the sweaty stoned-looking teen drugs they didn't have a prescription for? Especially when they refer to the medication as "the stuff".

Action-packed pharmacy action!

They tried this hospital sedation thing in Nightmare on Elm Street 4.  Now they're just cannibalizing the bad ones.


That elementary school looks suspiciously like their high school.  With the same lockers.

Okay.  No one has bothered to clean the school, or take down the pictures the child molester left behind, in the last 12 years.  They need a good janitor.  Like original Freddy.  

I'm guessing those are the few pictures she won't post on Facebook.   

Freddy is of course, guilty.  And they're surprised, cause why? Would an innocent dude be carving up teenagers like so many Thanksgiving turkeys?

The chemistry between Quentin and Nancy is about the same chemistry between my left foot and a turnip.

Is she lying down on the same bed where Freddy probably molested her as a child?  That's effed up, man.

One, two, guess whose coming for you?  Awwwww, it's a big kitty cat!  Nah, it's just Freddy.

Okay, just wondering.  In the original, Freddy was killed by the parents but he was a child killer.  So in essence, he killed the teens because they used to be the kids he would have killed anyways.  Now he's a child molester who was killed by the parents.  He's not a child killer.  So why isn't he going after the damn parents?   

Did they just rip off the slotted closet scene from Halloween?  I hate you movie. 

Death by strawberry Jello!

Hey, look.  I can fit into the same dress I wore when I was five!  That Atkins really works!

Oh Jackie, you know I love you, but.....stop.  Just....stop.

Wait a tic.  He says memories fuel him, but how could he have killed all those teens?  Nobody remembered a goddamn thing.

Her mouth says no, but my brain says......ick.  

Bad touch.  Bad touch.

Hey that's not a nice thing to do to your favorite number one victim!

I'm your boyfriend now.  Ew.  Still, it's a step up from Kyle Gallner.

Hey for fun, I know what we should do!  Let's re-enact the adrenaline heart injection scene from Pulp Fiction!   

Action packed nerd-beating action!

Okay show of hands.  When Freddy asks Quentin, "Why don't you just f'ing die?"  How many of you were like, that's a good question.

Nancy went all Peter Pan on Freddy and cut off his hand.  Now where's the damn crocodile?  We need a crocodile. 

Oh the only other good line from the movie.  "You're in my world, bitch!"  Careful, Rooney.  You just came mighty darn close to actually showing an emotion.

Undead burnt child molesters are filled with icky black ooze.  That's not really surprising.  It would have been fun if he had been filled with wrapped Jolly Ranchers though. 

Is it over?  Is it like, really over?  

Okay, that was a weird scream.  Nancy didn't look scared or shocked.  Just like she had to let it all out. 

Bye Mom from Friday Night Lights.  Sorry about your weird, somewhat random death.

And that was it.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need a Silkwood-like scrub down to rid myself of the taint.  Until the next 'pos' movie.  Goodbye.  Sweet dreams.


The Political Palaver said...

Good stuff!

Just saw the "Never sleep again" documentary. It was incredible, and I'm not even a huge fan of the series. 4 hours with everything you ever wanted to know about the good, bad, and horrible in the original Freddy flicks leading up to Freddy v Jason. Don't think they got into this remake. With good reason.

I wonder if Wes even watched it? If he did, he must've had defibrillators standing by, because he's still with us, and I would think he'd have a heart attack watching his vision become this crap.

Cheryl Z said...

I LOVE that documentary. It was insightful and fun. Great to see what all the actors thought about the movies too.

Yeah, poor Wes. I'm sort of on the fence on him but he did not deserve this. Especially since the original is one of my favorite movies.

HP said...

Both of your live blogs are awesome. You should do more.

Cheryl Z said...

Thanks! I'm thinking of doing one on the remake of Friday the 13th. It deserved it. :)