Recap of the Aburd: Hard Rock Zombies - Page 7

Continued from Page 5


Eagle Scout runs to warn the townspeople about zombies, Hitler, what have you, but the townsfolk are too busy listening to an old guy in a robe with a beard who apparently is the town elder although I don't think being the wisest man in this city of idiots makes him that much smarter. Anyways, old guy speaks about how Hitler made a deal with Truman, although it's hard to tell through his affected Jewish accent. Turns out Hitler and Eva were in some form of a witness-protection program and were disguised as "bible salesmen". Okay. At this point I no longer care. Somehow this all has to do with ghouls and the elder tells people that one bite from the ghoul's mouth will beget more ghouls.

Hey Gramps, tell us the story about the Red Sea again!

Eagle Scout wisely asks Old Dude just how the rockers became ghouls in the first place which is a fair enough question that will never be answered because old guy croaks. Sadly, he comes back to life with a chorus of Halleluiah playing in the background. Then he dies again, then he comes back to life. Again. Geesh, this guy is the Jean Grey of zombie movies. Finally he stays dead. and so we never learn exactly why those darn rockers turned into zombies. Meh.

The townsfolk decide that they will have to save the town without the help of old guy which is okay because we didn't know who he was anyways. Jailbait asks Eagle Scout if the townsfolk will hurt Jesse, to which he replies, "Jessie can take care of himself". Probably because, he's a full grown adult, unlike you little lady.  But then Eagle Scout adds, "besides, he's dead." Well there's that too.

The townsfolk decide go to the house to find out what's going on and one of the dudes (the balding guy from the Na Na Na video) finds Eva Braun sprawled out on the front steps of the house. How she got there is anybody's guess since she was in the house when she was killed. But of course, a woman is a woman, even a dead one and the creepy townie decides that now is a good time to cop a feel. He then starts to unzip his pants because apparently that scene wasn't disgusting enough. Luckily Grandma werewolf comes to life and kills him. Go Eva! Take back the night!

Another one of the townsfolk finds Hitler's dead body and does the right thing by NOT feeling him up, but no good deed goes unpunished, and Hitler comes back to life and kills him. Yes, we have zombie Hitler. It's come to this folks.

I honestly couldn't come up with a caption for this. Insert your own.

Meanwhile, in yet another movie, Dead Meat (remember them?) are still zombies and are driving along in their bitchin' rape van. Where they are driving to is anybody's guess as the town is pretty damn small and they appear to be on a deserted highway, but okay.

The first order of zombie business is to find something good on the radio. Zombie first world problems. But thanks to those damn new laws, rock and/or roll has been abolished. Finally Chuck "Rock N Roll Baseball Fury" violently kicks the radio and it brings up the synthesized tune they were dancing out of the graves to. Convenient.  I wonder if Cassie had placed a request? I would have gone with "Jessie's Girl" but whatever.


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